his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
