I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Randomize
