tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
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