Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
