Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
