I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
