We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Randomize
