youre lurking in front of me
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
