Only a mothe r could love this liver
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
