Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
