she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
