My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
