I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Send help, water and tortillas.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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