I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
