So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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