she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Randomize
