My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
