Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
