I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
