Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
