So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
