I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
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