she looked like the before picture.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Randomize
