i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
