I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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