Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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