Im at strip club and am horny
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
