Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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