I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
