im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
