Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize