So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
