EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
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