i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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