he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize