I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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