so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
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