Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Your cock deserves a montage
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
