Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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