I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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