This is not my ceiling
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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