Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
