my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
