elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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