just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
You're a waste of cheezeits
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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