theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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