I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
