theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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