Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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