nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
