I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
