I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
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