I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
