i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
