1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
